Intimate partner violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors based on power and control within an intimate relationship.

Intimate partner violence, sometimes called domestic violence or dating violence, is not limited to heterosexual couples. It can happen in any type of relationship including people in short-term relationships, queer relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Anyone of any gender identity can be an abuser and anyone of any gender identity can be a victim.

Additionally, abuse is not limited to being physical. There are many forms of relationship abuse:

• Physical Abuse
• Slapping or punching
  Scratching, pinching, biting, or kicking
  Strangulation
  Throwing objects at the victim
  Pulling the victim’s hair
  Use of a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon
  Grabbing or squeezing the victim’s face to make them look at something
  Preventing the victim from leaving or forcing them to go somewhere
• Emotional/Verbal Abuse
• Name-calling and putdowns
  Yelling or screaming at the victim
  Using the children - to guilt the victim, to participate in the abuse, etc.
  Blaming the victim for their own abuse
  Punching holes in the walls to intimidate the victim
  Gaslighting or “crazy-making” to manipulate or confuse the victim
  Accusations of cheating and other signs of jealousy
  Threats of self-harm or suicide to manipulate the victim
  Threats to expose one’s immigration status
  Threats to expose a one’s HIV status
  Threats to expose the victim’s sexual orientation
  Embarrassing or ridiculing the victim in public
  Preventing the victim from spending time with others
  Not allowing the victim to practice their religion
• Economic Abuse
• Preventing the victim from obtaining or keeping a job
  Stealing the victim’s money
  Creating a situation where the victim is financially dependent
  Harassing the victim’s co-workers or supervisors to get them fired
  Spending the victim’s paycheck on personal items without permission
  Sabotaging the victim’s education or job
• Sexual Abuse
• Unwanted sexual touching or kissing
  Forcing the victim to perform sexual acts
  Sabotaging birth control or condoms
  Unwanted violent sexual activity
  Intentionally attempting to impregnate someone
  Refusing to use birth control and condoms
  Using the existing intimate relationship to justify unwanted sexual activity
  Ignoring sexual boundaries
• Digital or Technological Abuse
• Breaking the victim’s phone
  Tracking the victim’s location with a GPS device
  Constantly checking-in while the victim is with other people
  Demanding the passwords to social media accounts
  Looking through text messages or pictures without permission
  Making derogatory posts about the victim on social media
  Sending unwanted texts or pictures
  Threatening to send intimate photos or videos to others

The Cycle of Violence

It is common for victims who are experiencing intimate partner violence to stay with their abusers, and even return to the relationship after some time away.  Victims stay and/or return to the abusive relationship for a variety of reasons: hope that the abuse will stop, fear of not being able to make it on their own, concern that their safety might be more at risk if they leave, etc. The cycle of violence can help us understand the complicated dynamics of an abusive intimate relationship. During this cycle, the abuse is followed by a honeymoon stage. The abuser may apologize for their behavior, give the victim gifts, and promise that they will never do it again. However, this honeymoon doesn’t last and the relationship will go into a tension-building phase where the victim feels like they are walking on eggshells. They may feel unsafe and try to do everything they can to appease their partner. This can include changing their daily routine, stop spending time with their family or friends, give their partner access to their social media accounts, etc. Eventually, the violence or explosive phase occurs again. After this phase, the relationship enters a false honeymoon phase where the abuser may apologize, promise to change, give the victim gifts, etc. The relationship continues to move back and forth between abuse and good times or just times of less abuse.